They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
