i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
