Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
