My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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