ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
