perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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