he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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