someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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