If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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