it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
