im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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