Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
