i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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