We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
