How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
