I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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