the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
