i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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