I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
