youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
