Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
