The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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