Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
