I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
