Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
