I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
