Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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