I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
