While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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