watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
