Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
