So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
