I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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