So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
