There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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