somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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