Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
