I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
