And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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