P.S. I can't hear my feet
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
