im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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