I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
