Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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