I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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