How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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