the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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