Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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