i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
