I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
