I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
