So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
